*New”Reflections” Blog Section: At night sometimes I have these periods of reflection/realization, and I’ve always had the impulse to share them, but never have. But I’m going to start. Maybe it’s just catharsis, but hopefully someone else will find them helpful too.
I was thinking to myself, self-pitying a bit, about how today kinda sucked. But I’d be cowardly naive to think it’s anyone else’s fault, because I could have changed the design of the cards, I could have picked up the phone and called someone and left the house, but I didn’t.
I told myself I didn’t have the energy, that I’d be dull, it would take too much effort to change the flow of energy– or get it going really, because I’ve felt slow, sluggish and an achey heaviness all day. The truth is I was feeling emotionally hurt about something that I don’t really want to get into right now, the relationship is too layered to paint an accurate picture.
I’m realizing that my impulse this very second is to blame someone else, instead of recognizing my role in MY life, in my experience of this life. I (You) can always change the experience. You have more power than you think. The pressure in that can be frustrating. The emotions and the mind were making me feel powerless, victimized a bit– but I still have the body, the ability to move and direct my breath and to get lost in that for a while in order to reconnect and rebalance. If I choose not to call into practice the tools needed to change the current experience, or make the effort to go out and have a new experience– then what am I really doing? Wallowing I guess. And if that is what I’m doing, then okay (where ever you’re at in your life right now, it’s okay, you’re exactly where you need to be) but I need to be accountable and recognize I am the captain of this magical ship, it goes where I point it.
2 thoughts on “Accountability and Blame”
Thanks for offering up how you feel and relate to this, it makes me feel like it’s worth it to put these realizations out there, even though it makes me feel a bit exposed, knowing that others share the experience (because when it comes down to it we really are all the same) makes it easier to handle.
This is really tremendous, thank you for sharing! I often wrestle with similar thoughts, all to often I find myself feeling like a pinball between; self pity, and extreme judgement to the point of arrogance (blame). I Think there is a lot of truth to both ideologies, but one can only wallow in this place for so long.
I think at a certain point, the “Don’t look back, someone might be gaining on you” mentality comes in handy in these situations, not to run from problems, but to avoid wasting energy on that which is now beyond your control.